Stoic quotes for rejection
Being turned down, ignored or criticised stings in a very old part of us. That does not mean something is wrong with you. The Stoics offer two moves: ask what is true in it, and then ask what is yours to do.
Pick a voice with the Gentle / Tough love buttons at the top. Both versions are on this page.
Quotes
Has any man been preferred before you at a banquet, or in being saluted, or in being invited to a consultation? If these things are good, you ought to rejoice that he has obtained them; but if bad, be not grieved because you have not obtained them.
When someone else gets chosen, ask whether the thing is actually good for you. If it is, be glad for them; if it is not, you have lost nothing. He adds that you cannot expect what others get without doing what they did.
Remember that in life you ought to behave as at a banquet. Suppose that something is carried round and is opposite to you. Stretch out your hand and take a portion with decency. Suppose that it passes by you. Do not detain it. Suppose that it is not yet come to you. Do not send your desire forward to it, but wait till it is opposite to you.
Epictetus pictures life as a dinner where dishes are passed around. Take your portion politely when it reaches you, let it go when it passes, and do not reach across the table for what is not yet yours. A good image for waiting, and for letting something pass.
If you are told that such an one speaks ill of you, make no defence against what was said, but answer, He surely knew not my other faults, else he would not have mentioned these only!
When someone criticises you, do not argue the point. Epictetus’s dry joke is to reply that he clearly does not know your other faults. Humour takes the sting out.
I have often wondered how it is that every man loves himself more than all the rest of men, but yet sets less value on his own opinion of himself than on the opinion of others.
We care more about what other people think of us than about what we think of ourselves, and Marcus finds that odd. Whose opinion do you trust most, and why?
If you would improve, submit to be considered without sense and foolish with respect to externals.
If you want to grow, be willing to look clueless to other people about things that are not the point, like status and appearing clever. Growth rarely looks dignified.
Remember that it is not he who reviles you or strikes you, who insults you, but it is your opinion about these things as being insulting. … For if you once gain time and delay, you will more easily master yourself.
An insult only lands if you accept the description. And delay helps: when you buy a little time, you have a better chance of mastering yourself.
In plain words
Gentle
A “no” or a silence can feel enormous. Epictetus offers a gentle image: when a dish passes you at the table, let it go; you have not lost your seat. Ask what this tells you, which is often less than it feels like in the moment. Then do one kind thing for yourself, and keep your next small step in view.
Tough love
Someone else’s “no” is information about their needs, not a ruling on your worth. Ask what you can learn: was the application weak, the timing wrong, the fit off? Fix what is fixable. Send the next one. Rejection that does not change your behaviour is just pain. Rejection that does is practice.
Turn it into one next step
- Write what happened, and what it does and does not prove about you.
- If it is appropriate, ask for feedback in one polite sentence.
- Send the next application, message or invitation within a week.
Flash cards to repeat
Flip each card, then use “Repeat mode” to cycle through them, or “Read aloud” to hear them. Hearing or reading the same few lines again and again is the point.
- If you are told that such an one speaks ill of you, make no defence against what was said, but answer, He surely knew not my other faults, else he would not have mentioned these only!Epictetus, Golden Sayings CLXIX
Gentle: You do not have to argue every criticism. A little humour can help.
Tough love: Do not defend. Check whether it is true, and move on.
- I have often wondered how it is that every man loves himself more than all the rest of men, but yet sets less value on his own opinion of himself than on the opinion of others.Marcus Aurelius, Meditations XII.4
Gentle: Whose opinion of you do you trust most, and why?
Tough love: You are letting a stranger outvote you. Take your vote back.
- Remember that it is not he who reviles you or strikes you, who insults you, but it is your opinion about these things as being insulting. … For if you once gain time and delay, you will more easily master yourself.Epictetus, Enchiridion XX
Gentle: What story are you telling about what they meant?
Tough love: The insult is in your reading of it. Re-read it.
- What does this actually prove?
Gentle: Usually less than it feels like. Write it down and look.
Tough love: Probably nothing about your worth. What is the next move?
- If you would improve, submit to be considered without sense and foolish with respect to externals.Epictetus, Enchiridion XIII
Gentle: Growth often looks awkward from outside. That is okay.
Tough love: Look foolish on purpose. It is the price of improving.
Sounds to sit with
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Books for this feeling
- Memoir and practice
Rejection Proof
Jia JiangOne man's hundred days of deliberately asking for things and being told no. Funny, and a useful way to shrink the fear of rejection.
Find it on Bookshop.org - Psychology
Self-Compassion
Kristin NeffResearch-based case for treating yourself like a friend after a mistake. A good counterweight to tough-love thinking.
Find it on Bookshop.org - Stoic primary text
Letters from a Stoic
Seneca (translated by Robin Campbell)Seneca's letters to a younger friend on fear, grief, time and friendship. Short, warm, and surprisingly modern. A good first Stoic book.
Find it on Bookshop.org
Questions
How do the Stoics handle criticism?
Two moves: ask whether the criticism is true and, if it is, fix it (Marcus says he would gladly change if shown he was wrong); if it is not true, do not defend yourself at length (Epictetus has a joke about this).
Is rejection personal?
Sometimes. More often it is about fit, timing or the other person’s situation. Treat it as one data point, not a verdict.
Related feelings
This page offers philosophy and reflection, not therapy or medical advice. If you are in crisis or thinking about hurting yourself, call or text 988 (US) or call 911 in an emergency. More help. Quotes are from public-domain translations and are checked against the source. How we verify.